[twist-ties, I hate you…]
In life, there are always certain things that must first be “taken care of,” these things in life aren’t meant to be done again and again: like trimming excessive limbs off that tree in the yard, learning to swim/bike, or losing your virginity. Now when it comes to unwrapping newly purchased bread from the local grocery, the first and only thing to do is immediately remove and trash those damn twist-ties that barricade access to the bread. I certainly understand the purpose behind using those finger knotting twist-ties to seal the bread from its slow decay among the store shelves - but the annoyance is really high when people choose reuse them. When twist-ties reappear on my bread, it causes my day to sink further into despair - trying to swiftly make a sandwich but instead encountering a finger-blockade. Now I'm forced to utilize my Chinese finger traps skills to remove yet another obnoxious twist-tie on my bread that would prefer me to starve. No need to use them to prevent the bread from going stale, just tuck the bread wrapper under its own weight…Bam! Quick, simple, ready for the next round.
Twist-ties are a very necessary evil. Yeah, you admit that they are needed to seal the bread at the store...but you miss the main reason it is prudent to keep those little heaven-sent pieces of metal wire wrapped in colorful plastic around. The Polish condom! "What is a Polish condom?" you ask. Well stop interrupting my article with your inane questions and I'll tell you. First, the scene must be set: you just had a nice dinner and everything has retired back to your place, you're watching a movie...Die Hard...and she starts tickling the man sword. Well, you're all ready to go when you hear those dreaded words "Um, like...condom?" You frantically run through every location a condom may be hiding in your place in your mind, but you know you don't have any. What do you do? Empty a loaf of bread on the kitchen floor, place the empty sack over your quickly softening manhood, secure in place with a TWIST TIE, and dive in before she knows what's going on. The day has been saved yet again by that little underrated hero...the twist tie.