Television: Mother, Teacher, Preacher...Secret Lover

   90% of all television is as bad, if not worse, as being addicted to heroin (Jersey Shore). What could possibly be a better way to forget about those bills piling up on your kitchen counter? Let’s all go bum around the front of an inane box and become mind numbing mechanical piles of lethargic goo. When people can’t figure out what to do with free time the television gets turned on and hours of productive time is lost forever. (None of my verbal spewing about television is in anyway related to “government/corporation conspiracy”. Conspiracies are stupid.)

I have a theory with boredom – Falling ill to the bitter boredomitus means you will strive to find something to do. In a typical situation, a person will turn on the TV as a way to combat boredomitus. So, if television is out of the picture then productivity is just that much closer. Most people have heard the saying, “The book is way better than the movie.” It’s because a book requires the brain to function far more than a movie could.

SOME television (roughly 10%) is okay to watch; especially the educational and slightly educational shows (Mythbusters), they can minimally stir brain functions (Beyond eating and breathing!). So, next time Boredomitus sets in, pick up a good book or start that next project you’ve always thought about. You are your only limitation in life.

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    All I’m doing is sitting here giving myself a break from the daily bullshit by watching some TV and you have to give me flack for it?  Hell no. I work all damned day slaving at that lame job you want me to keep because of idiotic reasons like: “it’s a steady paycheck” and “Timmy needs real clothes” and “We can’t go ANOTHER day without eating!”. Since when did kids have to eat everyday anyway? Soft, that’s what they are...soft. Anyways, leave me the hell alone and let me just chill for a minute until I have to start thinking again. There better be a sandwich in there when I come out.

Look, TV has a beginning, some stuff happens, and has a nice tidy end wherever I choose. Sometimes there is value in shutting off your brain for a minute and being simply entertained. If you are looking for something to help forget what life you have managed to scrape together up to this point, you will find it no matter what. There are a lot worse things you could do than watch TV...like tripping old people, testing just HOW flammable things are when they are labeled “flammable”, or eating stolen Thanksgiving dinners. *Flips on TV* Darrell Hammond-themed SNL marathon, cool. TV...good...yeah...Oh Sean Connery how you hate Trebek!

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I'll Have Three Sugars and an Asian Girl

   Sometimes a guy and girl get together because they think they like each other and will start touching and kissing in grownup ways - nine months later the two have spawned responsibility, even if it was by accident! Now that you understand where children come from I’m going to go out on a limb here and presume everyone who wants offspring would want them as healthy as possible. So, aside from following common sense where the girl isn’t supposed to drink or binge out on drugs, people should consider another factor in obtaining a healthy child. Mate with someone of another race.Don’t even consider reproducing with the same race.

“Why is this so, Mark?” Good question. At the earliest formation of the fetus, DNA crossovers begin. DNA essentially is picking favorable traits from the two parents. Simply put, the closer the two people are of the same race then their DNA will be less unique. The fetus won’t have as many options to pick from as it would with people of different gene pools. Think of it like having babies with your siblings, but less dramatic, the baby will have an increased chance of deformities – an eleventh finger, down syndrome, or maybe even three eyes... Ok, probably not three eyes.

If you go the route of making babies, please do it with someone of a different race so the gene pool can be far superior than keeping gene narrow minded.

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    Mating with a different race only?  A  lot of important couples would have never gotten together if they acted on that advice:: Marie and Pierre Curie, Romeo and Juliet, Clinton and Lewinsky. I don’t even want to imagine a world without those pairs.

While what you say may make some common sense, it doesn’t play out that way in the real world. The mixture of races has a host of consequences and does not act to “purify” the gene pool of humanity in the way you described.

For common genes to persist they must provide some advantage (like genes causing autoimmune diseases also providing resistance against infections).

Mixing gene variants can be extrapolated out to cause a greater total variation in the gene pool  (for example, people of African descent now develop multiple sclerosis from the introduction of European blood into their lineage). Keeping the races separate would keep us healthier genetically, as the genetic profile of the races has been developed over time to be in balance among the separate races. To use your own comparison: on a genetic level, what reproducing with your own race is to making babies with your siblings; reproducing with other races is to making babies with an eagle.

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You Can't Handle the Tip

   Eating out is fun, classy, and the perfect occasion for a few laughs with others. No better way to ruin a good social event than to get a deficient server. When I go out to eat I prepare mentally how much I am going to spend. This preparation does not always end up exact, but ballpark works for me. After being seated at a restaurant, the server strolls sluggishly to your table and hardly makes effort to acknowledge anyone while asking for drinks. Yeah, if you’re this type of server, I do notice you. Guess what? The way you act as a server DOES affect the tip I will give you. The tremendous amount of negativity some servers have with the lack of desire to be working pours off of me like I’m sitting front row at a Sea World show.

I’m not sure I fully understand why some people feel the need to gracefully give handouts regardless of how the meal went. I hear the argument, “Servers don’t make that much per hour, so it’s important to tip them.” Psh, in theory, if the whole economy was running on a tip-system based system it would ensure professionals will maintain their finest work, or just not get paid. Unfortunately, some people abuse the tip system just because they are cheap. So, if a server does a mediocre job then they will receive a solid amount. I am quick to give less with careless attitudes. However, I do tip openhandedly if the server comes over with a smile and decides for himself - “This is a good day.”

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    In general, I tip my waitresses and delivery drivers well, as they make next to nothing outside of what they can get in tips...but I don’t see the logic in a system where it’s proper to tip someone who brings you food or parks your car and not a person who can extend your life and help you get over illness. That’s a bit more important and deserves a little “bonus” in my opinion.

Paying a normal hourly working wage to jobs normally exempt from the minimum wage and then leaving it up to the customer on whether to tip for service exceeding expectations seems to make so much more sense. A tip-based economy would not only work in theory, but in practice as well if we can just expand the status quo for tipping to include every service provided, but the expectation of receiving a tip needs to be dropped unless the service goes above and beyond. I would love to tip my optometrist for getting my prescription right the first time (they can’t seem to do this for me for some reason) instead of leaving a small tip to a waitress who I don’t think deserves it because it’s expected and she gets paid two dollars an hour.

Overall, tipping is just another of the million social norms that makes me want to just sit inside and make my own food, or park my own car...I may be a touch anti-social, but at least I have reasons.

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Four and a Half Seconds Late? You're Fired

     

    It seems that everyone complains about there not being enough time in the day, in the week, in their lives. Never is there enough time to do anything. They work so hard to fill up every single minute of every single day that it's over before they actually realized what happened. They watch the clock counting every minute until they can leave their jobs, and yet continue thinking they don't have enough time to get everything accomplished. Even when they do get an opportunity to break the monotony, they schedule their vacation down to the hour, and stress over things like not getting to the tiki-bar on time. Take a step back, take a deep breath and relax for a second, spaz.

This may sound cliché, but every day that you are breathing and your heart is still beating is a gift, take a little bit out of your over-scheduled life to appreciate that fact. Don't treat every second like it is a life or death situation, because it is; if you don't take the opportunity to actually LIVE you life and squeeze every bit of pleasure out of it that it has to offer, it won't matter how many 60 hour work weeks you put in. If you think you have to constantly be on the grind in order to be happy and are just naturally a workaholic, then it would be of some value to try and break yourself of this delusion. There is so much more to living life successfully than fulfilling some preconceived stereotype of a “successful” person...take a minute to think about what's really important and enjoy life, none of us are getting out of it alive anyway.

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    Sheesh David, with this lax attitude nothing would ever get accomplished. Sure, complaining about “not enough time” and then counting the final minutes before getting off work is understandable about focusing too much on time, but what people need is more discipline. Forget trying to relax and take a break, people just need to achieve a job or career that a break would be to keep workers from too much enjoyment. I believe in two forms of stress, negative stress and positive stress. Negative stress would entail the feeling of trying to avoid becoming a lion’s dinner - modernisticly speaking, freaking out about bills and what not. Positive stress comes from enjoying a certain standard in life, doing whatever necessary to maintain that self-defined standard.

Talking about being cliché. . . Don’t work to live; live to work. For those who have made real orange juice before, by squeezing the bejesus out of the fruit for its last drop, life simply just isn't worthwhile if the citizens of Earth aren't squeezing every bit of themselves out to have that happier life. Even if that that means staying awake till 3am every night until a project is complete then so be it. Life isn't a box of chocolate; it’s a minefield, with a just a few treasures buried randomly in the mix of deadly mines. Go out there and get what you’ve always wanted in life and don’t take time to enjoy the roses.

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All Exercise and No Couch Make Johnny a Dull Boy

     Joggers-everyone who exercises really-but joggers especially, confuse me. I understand the drive to be healthy and I get wanting to be attractive and feel like you look good...but seriously? I look up to them for their drive but their motivation is a mystery to me. I've tried to stay in relatively good shape, but whenever I work out I can't get the thought “WHY AM I DOING THIS??” out of my head.

Furthermore it's a completely self-contained activity, Am I really going to push myself through however many miles of running so maybe next time I'll be able to...run better? Or lift weights so maybe I can lift more weight next time? That's more work! Ha, no thank you. Jogging has absolutely no practical use, say you are getting mugged, are you going to stop everything and say “Hold on, see that hill 5 miles away? If you can get there before I do you can have my wallet, GO!” Jogging is no good for transportation either, unless you enjoy leaving for work at 4 AM and showing up sweaty and exhausted. For me, cars and guns eliminated every use I could possibly have for running.

Mission accomplished, my laziness has been justified. Now if someone can please get me a beer I'll be over on the couch.

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   What better way to keep your fat ass from getting fatter? Jogging is an essential ingredient to keep those Taco Bell burritos from packing on the body.  It is unfortunate that driving vehicles don’t burn a significant amount of calories but such is life. I agree in the sense there isn't any fun about running; it is about as fun as being forced to attend church on Easter Sunday, but it is something to keep your body and mind in shape.

There are plenty of people to use as examples who refuse to exercise or just ignore the fact of how crucial it is. I can barely walk around public without reminding myself I need to stay healthy and go for a jog. If you’re taking a stroll in a park, someone might mug you; however, if you are running they will just give up on the idea of mugging you because they are obviously lazy to begin with (Hence, trying to get a quick few dollars instead of working).

Put in some headphones and go for a 5-10 min jog. It will boost brain power and motivation all together. 

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Sparkling Wine or Louis XIII de Remy Martin?

     Why waste time with younger females? They will inevitably have more relationship mishaps than someone a bit older than you. Someone with a few more years under the belt tends to mean, in general, she has a bit more experience than her younger counterpart. So, going with the girl who is slightly older awards a level of reassurance she won’t be as spontaneous with her emotions as her younger-self would be. And anyone in a long term relationship will concur the benefit of less spontaneous breakdowns.

Falling into a relationship with a younger girl seems to feel like I would be babysitting for the first year or two (mostly speculating here). Going on dates with a younger girl who’s overly naïve, making obnoxious giggling to childish quirks, yammering away about last night’s episode of Glee, none of that is as appealing as a girl who can carry a quality conversation about the cosmos or nutrition. I’m quite sure I would rather just avoid dating altogether than have to deal with the noxious antics of a younger companion.  

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     How can you argue against dating younger women? We’ll just rest the visual aspect on the table for now, as that’s an obvious advantage to the more youthful woman that isn’t really debatable. First of all, you have the ace up your sleeve of having more world experience, wisdom, and maturity than she-and mostly likely most of the men she’s dated-has. This is not only to your advantage when it comes time to put your foot down on a subject that’s important to you; but it makes you more attractive to her when you show off how practical and grounded you are rather than rash and quick tempered, probably in stark contrast with most of the “boys” she’s been around.

If you feel like a babysitter while dating a younger girl then you have a messed up view of babysitting.  I DON’T have to speculate here, I can say a significantly younger girl offers the perfect compliment to the older man. What she may lack in knowledge or experience is more than made up with youthful vitality, and the lack of that jaded mindset that the harsh realities of life can impart. While you may need to be the “decision-maker” when it comes to some things, the fresh outlook of youth filtered through a more adult mind can help you look at everything from a new perspective and actually help you grow yourself.

And to bring this subject back off the table...they sure do look good when they are young.

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"Henry! Not The Alcohol Again!!"

   Alcohol, sometimes known as the Irish, is quite a tricky liquid that tends to gets people in more trouble than it could possibly be worth. What a better way than to slowly poison yourself from years of drinking fermented sugars. I could really care less what alcohol does to individuals, what’s valuable is what happens when an intoxicated individual + public = not the best of memories.  A single weekend can’t even come and go without some idiot getting wasted, jumping in a vehicle and then managing to smash into some unlucky family’s caravan on the highway. If the Taliban terrorists wanted to actually do some REAL damage, they could promote drinking and driving to all the gullible morons.

Now, if you’re wanting to sit back and have something to ease the stress of the day, or to pass a little boredom without actually having to kill yourself or others that happen to cross your path – Marijuana is a great substitute to alcohol. Other, more familiar names might include, weed, pot, refer, her greenness, devil’s lettuce, etc, etc.  Oh! Sorry mom, but “dope” isn’t an appropriate name for MJ anymore.  Moreover, you don’t even have to smoke weed anymore (as opposed to fifty years ago). Now you can use simple devices that vaporize the plant, rendering harmful substances useless.  

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     A lot of people don’t seem to have a problem with alcohol itself, more the people who abuse it and act like a fool while drinking. This isn’t a good reason at all, people are stupid, not the drink they overindulge in. This is like saying a gun is responsible for killing someone, you can’t blame the tool used to perform an action, only the user is responsible. Of course people use alcohol irresponsibly, obviously Uncle Jimmy who shows up to the family bbq “smelling like tinkle” and trying to hit on his cousin has a problem. This is far from the rule however.

With all of the overstated negative health effects that the anti-fun lobby likes to espouse, you would think that all alcoholic drinks are basically poison that will kill you within minutes of ingesting. Every statistic or side-effect they put out there are in relation to binge-drinkers, moderate drinkers actually enjoy quite a few positive effects on their health. Raised HDL levels, reduced risk of heart disease, and reduced inflammation and risk of blood clots.

Don’t let Mark fool you, he’s only ranting against alcohol because he’s a lightweight who can’t hang with the big boys. He’s still stuck in the “legalize weed” phase, which I’m all for in principle, but seriously...there comes a point when it’s time to grow up and learn to simply appreciate a good scotch.

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25001 E. Braaaains ST

Today is that big promotion at work – so, you wake up eagerly and turn on the TV while getting ready for the day. However, the TV only shows static on every channel. This angers you; you mumble on how when you get back home you’re going to let the TV-company have it. After a few attempted, but failed phone calls, you begin to realize something isn’t right today. Finally, while looking outside you notice chaos. There are people running around in fear, plums of smoke everywhere, some guy being viciously eaten on nearby sidewalk. You inevitably understand the zombie apocalypse has occurred. Thankfully, you’ve mentally prepared for this day…

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     This is no time to be trying to save valuables in the house, forget your Family Guy DVD collection, and especially forget your MacBook. You need to be grabbing any and all water you can get. It’s important to get at least half a dozen pairs of socks, but only a few shirts and pants. No shorts.  Throw it in the biggest bag you’re able to find less than fifteen minutes.  After gathering up some other things around the house important for the road, you can now wonder outside cautiously.

You’re going to want to make the attempt to find a place with more supplies so you can stock up for a longer trip. It’s best to travel quickly and quietly, so a bicycle will work.  Once you make your way to a nearby grocery store then you can check if it’s safe to go inside (or even worth your time). If you lucky, the virus spread faster than the herds of people could fall into pandemonium, ravaging all available supplies, then you might be able to hold up inside for a day or two collecting bags to fill will and equip your bike well.

Most likely by now, you will have had to prove you can stay alive to the force of the virus by encountering a few zombies head on. As you make way for the adventure to meet up with friends, family, or some guy you planned a zombie escape with via craigslist, just make sure you dress in thick clothes with to avoid any close contact with the diseased. The mountains or underground with a large stockpile is best place to seek out for a few months/years of waiting. 

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     Zombies are going to spread to take over the entire population unless something can slow them down, somehow...and you’re just going to hide and lay low for a while? That’s the most sure way to get overrun, you must do something. In the case of a zombie apocalypse, it’s best to strike hard and strike often. You are going to ride a bike around? Seriously? How are you going to transport enough of anything on a bike? Give me a semi, a zombie crushing, food storing juggernaut


I do agree on the clothes, shorts would be a bad idea. You just mow down a group of undead and one has just enough “life” to take a chomp at your ankle and it’s game over. It will be necessary to have a partner or two to watch your back, just be sure to not become too attached so in case they are infected you won’t hesitate to blow their brains out. Zombies are frenzied killing machines, the only way to combat this is to become a bigger frenzied killing machine. Once you become adapt at killing, it should become as easy as rabbit hunting...except the rabbits are relatively slow and don’t run away when they see you. Granted they aren’t running away because they want to eat you, but still. As long as you have enough ammo, take out as many as you possibly can, the less of them there are, the better your chances of survival.

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Shattering Childhood Dreams

   I’m quite sure everyone has some degree of a grand dream they have always wanted to be since the age of a child. The dream could have been anything crazy like, a firefighter, a doctor, an astronaut, or a professional futball player. For me, that crazy dream has been to join the ranks of the NBA. No particular team in mind, just the sense of being able to play a fast-paced sport with professionals. Sure, I might only be 5’10’’ in contrast the average 6’7’’ size for the NBA, but Muggsy Bogues was a meager 5’3’’ – That’s pretty much a Hobbit playing professional sports based greatly on height.

Isn’t almost everything in this world is great deal of mind-over-matter? Regardless of what David has to say, I am a very competitive person with a severe case of ambition waiting to be aimed and fired. If you have a strong passion for something and let any pessimist keep you from pursuing it just because of negative feedback based from their personal failures or success, then you will never accomplish anything to par with the greats. They might say what you can or can’t do in life derived from their subjective views – but you can bet you’re molding life’s questions around other people’s limitations. 

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     Mark, you are 5 foot nothing with no discernible athletic talent. You trying to make the local adult league, much less the NBA, is like an anorexic trying to be a sumo wrestler. Someone with multiple personalities would have an easier time writing their autobiography than you would in your goal of making the NBA. This idea is so impossible it makes the Cartan–Dieudonné theorem seem like a good candidate as easy reading for the coffee table. What is the Cartan–Dieudonné theorem? Exactly.

Have you ever even played a sport in your life? Answer me these two questions: How many hours have you spent simply playing pickup games, much less putting in the work practicing specific skills related to basketball? Now, to what power do you have to raise that number to make it equivalent to hours spent playing JUST Halo? Not counting any other games...just the one. I think this is a good indicator of the likelihood of this ever, EVER possibly happening.

I agree, mind over matter is a big deal in everything, athletics included. Yet you have neither mind nor matter so that’s a completely moot point. The matter has been pointed out already, as you’re greatly undersized. As far as the “mind”, top-level athletes have developed instincts in relation to their sport since the time they were small children, you can’t just go out and work out a little and think you can get there starting at your age. This is ridiculous, why would you even share such a delusional pipe-dream?

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WTF is Waldo Doing?

 
   Waldo, why are you always lost? Are you actually lost, or just hiding?
I tend to question the validity of your being lost because you always look so damn happy whenever I do manage to find you. Anytime I have ever been lost no one would make the mistake of thinking I was cheerful. Yet there you are standing next to some guy carrying a jug amongst a bunch of gobbling gluttons with that little shit-eating grin on your face. The striped shirt simply is not cutting it if you really do desire to be found, especially since you like hanging around so many striped things! I propose Mr. Waldo (if that’s your real name, what is it you are trying to run from here?) is outfitted with some sort of tracking device, that way the next time he is “lost” I won’t have to stare at some badly drawn assemblage of trying-too-hard-to-be-funny characters for an extended period of time. Of course you would never agree to this, would you Waldo? You get your rocks off making people worry about finding your dorky ass, you narcissistic bastard. Waldo, you are an attention whore, get lost and stay that way.

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     No one hides so diligently from numerous seekers as Waldo does. Waldo clearly isn’t hiding just for a child’s playtime. If you end up playing along with his game, searching for him page after page, you can quickly notice he's always lurking around dense public areas waiting to set off disaster… Yes my friends, Waldo is an obvious terrorist. The only reason Homeland Security isn't after him is because he’s one of the worst terrorist to ever attempt terror. Waldo is so bad that he often openly brags about his "terrific" occupation in terrorism and has been known to lie about jobs he had nothing to do with. Don’t let the innocent looking guy with a striped shirt fool you -next time you find Waldo hiding among crowded areas you can (and should) point and laugh at his attempted facade as a terrorist.

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Customer Service, It Goes Both Ways

   I really do love going out somewhere like restaurant or Walmart and watching the one random irate individual spout off random, senseless frustrations that puts them at the center of attention. “I ordered NO PICKLES!” a person yells. Or how about, “What do you mean you won’t honor my coupon from a completely different store?!” Although I receive a good laugh for these moments, every person who publicly erupts in similar attitudes should be ashamed of themselves. The business world is so diluted with constant complainers; in the rare occasion when a legitimate complaint arises it is easily taken in the wrong way.

There are quite a few people already who understand the stress of a profession in customer service. Day in and day out, careless consumers who wonder around just trying to pick a verbal rant with an employee. Even in the worst situations, dealing with problems while remaining calm will 100% of the time make those faltering moments more productive.

No one is perfect, sometimes it is the employees fault for turning a situation sour, but chances are their bad attitude is carried over from the previously angered redneck.  If you find yourself unable to be nice about a problem, then don’t bring it up.

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     Where is the “service” in the service industry? I walk into a huge department store with 30-something registers to find only 4 are open, each with a line long enough Andy Dufresne could make his escape from Shawshank before I make it to the cashier. Another example of the disservice industry at it’s best is found at certain sandwich shops, where the casual mood takes precedence over all else apparently. I guess the employees are under the impression that they are at a cool place to hang out that also just so happens to have deli meats. They will take requests if you have the audacity to want to partake in actually EATING something, but they don’t have to be happy about it, or even attempt to hide their displeasure.

As someone who has worked in retail more than enough to develop post traumatic stress disorder, I don’t actually blame the employees who make possibly enough to cover the bills while dealing with assholes such as me all day. It was always an awkward situation when parents would threaten their hyperactive brats with me, “If you don’t stop touching everything that man over there is going to get really angry with you!”...leave me out of your flawed parenting techniques! I would just respond with “Nah, I don’t mind! See?” and proceed to rip a price tag off and throw it on the ground. Good luck controlling your kid now, lady!


The entire service industry, retail brick-and-mortar stores in particular, is a miserable experience for all involved. I’d rather just stay home and make my own damn sandwich while buying all the useless shit I need online. No need for the human contact, no need to put on clothes, no need to shower. Perfect.

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Chance of Doom in the Forecast

    The materials of the universe are made up of everything we know and more. Earth essentially is a giant forged rock of ‘universe stuff.’ Thus, most (if not all) resources utilized on Earth exist in mass quantities all over the galaxy and beyond.  Think of the universe as a colossal bowl of ingredients being whipped around; the Earth is only a meager fraction of the total substance in the bowl. Yes, this is a bold statement, but empirical evidence hints the universe is littered with resources that can be used, thanks to science, for mankind’s prosperity. Just a few hundred years ago the majority of the civilized word believed the Sun revolved around us. Today, developed economies are making plans for commercial flights around the moon and back just for the sake of “because I want too.” With our current technology and understanding of the universe’s laws we, the human race, should be investing massive amount of resources and time… For nothing more than the greatest gamble ever known to man.

Let’s take a look at reality for a moment - if we don’t take the limited time available now to spread our seed among the outer limits then our species is ultimately going to be facing the day-of-doom much sooner than if we were to remain cooped up on Earth.  

The greatest opposing issue to this ideology are the concerns our ever-wise politicians have about spending money in areas that are deemed “unnecessary.”  How can a new space race not be a lucrative route to take? The most developed countries should begin a global contribution of their resources for a new space race to untapped treasures. Conquering space will allow humans to survive much longer than if we remained on Earth. In the a few hundred years it’s a good chance the world will be drained of its resources and shriveled up like a giant space raisin.

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     Since the beginning of Earth as we know it, more than 99% of the life forms that have ever existed here are no longer present today. The notion of such an imperfectly formed primate as homo sapiens as the “chosen” species that will break the mold and last to antiquity is quite presumptuous. In the complete lifespan of our planet, humans have only just now begun to take up enough time to be considered even a relative blink of an eye. To think that the human race is going to somehow outlast the resources and usability of our pale blue dot is obviously quite arrogant; but when rapidly developing weapons systems that grow more deadly at an exponential rate, and the ever-growing tensions between races, religions, and political ideals are taken into consideration, such an assertion borders on the absurd. This planet was here long before we set foot upon it’s soil, and will certainly exist long after we are gone.

Man cannot even govern himself on this planet; we are a war-hungry, envious, overly emotional mammal who has been hell-bent on our own destruction from the beginning. The solution to this problem does not lie in some wanton refocus of our efforts to the spreading of our tainted seed beyond our home planet. Running from our problems with the hopes of them solving themselves by some unknown theory of what may be “out there” just because we can is the definition of grasping at straw men. Instead we should be taking the fundamental problems on, by their root causes, and nothing more.

Change the way men believe, interact, and think as a whole. Rid the world of piety and dogma. We have managed to lower infant mortality and raise life expectancy to the point where we have moved past the need for mass reproduction for the sake of survival, offer some incentive for NOT over-reproducing. Educate the populous with valid, usable, pertinent information that will benefit all of mankind. Keep the hypothetical, over-zealous, imperial space colonies in their proper place as fiction; for we have plenty to worry about here already without trying to bring some sort of Trekkie space fantasy to fruition. I am all for the search for truth in whatever form it may come, but to actively pursue colonization and attempt to “harvest” resources from places less suited for life than Earth is a lottery ticket too expensive for humankind to gamble with purchasing when the potential payoff is likely so low. Let’s keep our focus on solutions, not the creation of new problems.

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To Twist Tie, or Not To Twist Tie...

[twist-ties, I hate you…]

     In life, there are always certain things that must first be “taken care of,” these things in life aren’t meant to be done again and again: like trimming excessive limbs off that tree in the yard, learning to swim/bike, or losing your virginity. Now when it comes to unwrapping newly purchased bread from the local grocery, the first and only thing to do is immediately remove and trash those damn twist-ties that barricade access to the bread.  I certainly understand the purpose behind using those finger knotting twist-ties to seal the bread from its slow decay among the store shelves - but the annoyance is really high when people choose reuse them. When twist-ties reappear on my bread, it causes my day to sink further into despair - trying to swiftly make a sandwich but instead encountering a finger-blockade. Now I'm forced to utilize my Chinese finger traps skills to remove yet another obnoxious twist-tie on my bread that would prefer me to starve. No need to use them to prevent the bread from going stale, just tuck the bread wrapper under its own weight…Bam! Quick, simple, ready for the next round.

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     Twist-ties are a very necessary evil. Yeah, you admit that they are needed to seal the bread at the store...but you miss the main reason it is prudent to keep those little heaven-sent pieces of metal wire wrapped in colorful plastic around. The Polish condom! "What is a Polish condom?" you ask. Well stop interrupting my article with your inane questions and I'll tell you. First, the scene must be set: you just had a nice dinner and everything has retired back to your place, you're watching a movie...Die Hard...and she starts tickling the man sword. Well, you're all ready to go when you hear those dreaded words "Um, like...condom?" You frantically run through every location a condom may be hiding in your place in your mind, but you know you don't have any. What do you do? Empty a loaf of bread on the kitchen floor, place the empty sack over your quickly softening manhood, secure in place with a TWIST TIE, and dive in before she knows what's going on. The day has been saved yet again by that little underrated hero...the twist tie.

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