Television: Mother, Teacher, Preacher...Secret Lover

   90% of all television is as bad, if not worse, as being addicted to heroin (Jersey Shore). What could possibly be a better way to forget about those bills piling up on your kitchen counter? Let’s all go bum around the front of an inane box and become mind numbing mechanical piles of lethargic goo. When people can’t figure out what to do with free time the television gets turned on and hours of productive time is lost forever. (None of my verbal spewing about television is in anyway related to “government/corporation conspiracy”. Conspiracies are stupid.) I have a theory with boredom – Falling ill to the bitter boredomitus means you...

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I'll Have Three Sugars and an Asian Girl

   Sometimes a guy and girl get together because they think they like each other and will start touching and kissing in grownup ways - nine months later the two have spawned responsibility, even if it was by accident! Now that you understand where children come from I’m going to go out on a limb here and presume everyone who wants offspring would want them as healthy as possible. So, aside from following common sense where the girl isn’t supposed to drink or binge out on drugs, people should consider another factor in obtaining a healthy child. Mate with someone of another race.Don’t even consider reproducing with the...

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You Can't Handle the Tip

   Eating out is fun, classy, and the perfect occasion for a few laughs with others. No better way to ruin a good social event than to get a deficient server. When I go out to eat I prepare mentally how much I am going to spend. This preparation does not always end up exact, but ballpark works for me. After being seated at a restaurant, the server strolls sluggishly to your table and hardly makes effort to acknowledge anyone while asking for drinks. Yeah, if you’re this type of server, I do notice you. Guess what? The way you act as a server DOES affect the tip I will give you. The tremendous amount of negativity some servers have with...

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Four and a Half Seconds Late? You're Fired

         It seems that everyone complains about there not being enough time in the day, in the week, in their lives. Never is there enough time to do anything. They work so hard to fill up every single minute of every single day that it's over before they actually realized what happened. They watch the clock counting every minute until they can leave their jobs, and yet continue thinking they don't have enough time to get everything accomplished. Even when they do get an opportunity to break the monotony, they schedule their vacation down to the hour, and stress over things like not getting to the tiki-bar on time. Take...

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All Exercise and No Couch Make Johnny a Dull Boy

     Joggers-everyone who exercises really-but joggers especially, confuse me. I understand the drive to be healthy and I get wanting to be attractive and feel like you look good...but seriously? I look up to them for their drive but their motivation is a mystery to me. I've tried to stay in relatively good shape, but whenever I work out I can't get the thought “WHY AM I DOING THIS??” out of my head. Furthermore it's a completely self-contained activity, Am I really going to push myself through however many miles of running so maybe next time I'll be able to...run better? Or lift weights so maybe I can lift more weight next time?...

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Sparkling Wine or Louis XIII de Remy Martin?

     Why waste time with younger females? They will inevitably have more relationship mishaps than someone a bit older than you. Someone with a few more years under the belt tends to mean, in general, she has a bit more experience than her younger counterpart. So, going with the girl who is slightly older awards a level of reassurance she won’t be as spontaneous with her emotions as her younger-self would be. And anyone in a long term relationship will concur the benefit of less spontaneous breakdowns. Falling into a relationship with a younger girl seems to feel like I would be babysitting for the first year or two (mostly speculating...

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"Henry! Not The Alcohol Again!!"

   Alcohol, sometimes known as the Irish, is quite a tricky liquid that tends to gets people in more trouble than it could possibly be worth. What a better way than to slowly poison yourself from years of drinking fermented sugars. I could really care less what alcohol does to individuals, what’s valuable is what happens when an intoxicated individual + public = not the best of memories.  A single weekend can’t even come and go without some idiot getting wasted, jumping in a vehicle and then managing to smash into some unlucky family’s caravan on the highway. If the Taliban terrorists wanted to actually do some REAL damage, they...

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25001 E. Braaaains ST

Today is that big promotion at work – so, you wake up eagerly and turn on the TV while getting ready for the day. However, the TV only shows static on every channel. This angers you; you mumble on how when you get back home you’re going to let the TV-company have it. After a few attempted, but failed phone calls, you begin to realize something isn’t right today. Finally, while looking outside you notice chaos. There are people running around in fear, plums of smoke everywhere, some guy being viciously eaten on nearby sidewalk. You inevitably understand the zombie apocalypse has occurred. Thankfully, you’ve mentally prepared for this day…  ...

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Shattering Childhood Dreams

   I’m quite sure everyone has some degree of a grand dream they have always wanted to be since the age of a child. The dream could have been anything crazy like, a firefighter, a doctor, an astronaut, or a professional futball player. For me, that crazy dream has been to join the ranks of the NBA. No particular team in mind, just the sense of being able to play a fast-paced sport with professionals. Sure, I might only be 5’10’’ in contrast the average 6’7’’ size for the NBA, but Muggsy Bogues was a meager 5’3’’ – That’s pretty much a Hobbit playing professional sports based greatly on height.Isn’t almost everything in this world is...

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WTF is Waldo Doing?

     Waldo, why are you always lost? Are you actually lost, or just hiding? I tend to question the validity of your being lost because you always look so damn happy whenever I do manage to find you. Anytime I have ever been lost no one would make the mistake of thinking I was cheerful. Yet there you are standing next to some guy carrying a jug amongst a bunch of gobbling gluttons with that little shit-eating grin on your face. The striped shirt simply is not cutting it if you really do desire to be found, especially since you like hanging around so many striped things! I propose Mr. Waldo (if that’s your real name, what is it you...

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Customer Service, It Goes Both Ways

   I really do love going out somewhere like restaurant or Walmart and watching the one random irate individual spout off random, senseless frustrations that puts them at the center of attention. “I ordered NO PICKLES!” a person yells. Or how about, “What do you mean you won’t honor my coupon from a completely different store?!” Although I receive a good laugh for these moments, every person who publicly erupts in similar attitudes should be ashamed of themselves. The business world is so diluted with constant complainers; in the rare occasion when a legitimate complaint arises it is easily taken in the wrong way. There are quite...

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Chance of Doom in the Forecast

    The materials of the universe are made up of everything we know and more. Earth essentially is a giant forged rock of ‘universe stuff.’ Thus, most (if not all) resources utilized on Earth exist in mass quantities all over the galaxy and beyond.  Think of the universe as a colossal bowl of ingredients being whipped around; the Earth is only a meager fraction of the total substance in the bowl. Yes, this is a bold statement, but empirical evidence hints the universe is littered with resources that can be used, thanks to science, for mankind’s prosperity. Just a few hundred years ago the majority of the civilized word believed...

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To Twist Tie, or Not To Twist Tie...

[twist-ties, I hate you…]     In life, there are always certain things that must first be “taken care of,” these things in life aren’t meant to be done again and again: like trimming excessive limbs off that tree in the yard, learning to swim/bike, or losing your virginity. Now when it comes to unwrapping newly purchased bread from the local grocery, the first and only thing to do is immediately remove and trash those damn twist-ties that barricade access to the bread.  I certainly understand the purpose behind using those finger knotting twist-ties to seal the bread from its slow decay among the store...

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