Television: Mother, Teacher, Preacher...Secret Lover

   90% of all television is as bad, if not worse, as being addicted to heroin (Jersey Shore). What could possibly be a better way to forget about those bills piling up on your kitchen counter? Let’s all go bum around the front of an inane box and become mind numbing mechanical piles of lethargic goo. When people can’t figure out what to do with free time the television gets turned on and hours of productive time is lost forever. (None of my verbal spewing about television is in anyway related to “government/corporation conspiracy”. Conspiracies are stupid.) I have a theory with boredom – Falling ill to the bitter boredomitus means you...

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I'll Have Three Sugars and an Asian Girl

   Sometimes a guy and girl get together because they think they like each other and will start touching and kissing in grownup ways - nine months later the two have spawned responsibility, even if it was by accident! Now that you understand where children come from I’m going to go out on a limb here and presume everyone who wants offspring would want them as healthy as possible. So, aside from following common sense where the girl isn’t supposed to drink or binge out on drugs, people should consider another factor in obtaining a healthy child. Mate with someone of another race.Don’t even consider reproducing with the...

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You Can't Handle the Tip

   Eating out is fun, classy, and the perfect occasion for a few laughs with others. No better way to ruin a good social event than to get a deficient server. When I go out to eat I prepare mentally how much I am going to spend. This preparation does not always end up exact, but ballpark works for me. After being seated at a restaurant, the server strolls sluggishly to your table and hardly makes effort to acknowledge anyone while asking for drinks. Yeah, if you’re this type of server, I do notice you. Guess what? The way you act as a server DOES affect the tip I will give you. The tremendous amount of negativity some servers have with...

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Four and a Half Seconds Late? You're Fired

         It seems that everyone complains about there not being enough time in the day, in the week, in their lives. Never is there enough time to do anything. They work so hard to fill up every single minute of every single day that it's over before they actually realized what happened. They watch the clock counting every minute until they can leave their jobs, and yet continue thinking they don't have enough time to get everything accomplished. Even when they do get an opportunity to break the monotony, they schedule their vacation down to the hour, and stress over things like not getting to the tiki-bar on time. Take...

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